Doing laundry, using a ruler and teaching Health are all obstacles that some of the guys on New Girl have to overcome in “Teachers.” Matters of the heart from forbidden crushes to wanting to learn how to love are also on the agenda as the group splits off into two for guys’ night and a teaching conference (with Cece left to work at the bar and take Jess’ emergency phone calls, she deserves more).
Is it ridiculous that Schmidt doesn’t know how to do laundry? Of course and even though they don’t address how he has been doing it since college or that we saw him defrost a turkey in the dryer in the season one’s Thanksgiving episode, I think I prefer it this way. This is nothing compared to Winston’s ruler confusion. Sometimes there are simple things that we just don’t know how to do and for once Nick gets to be the smartest person in the room teaching the other dummies how to do these very easy task. And the ruler tutorial is hilarious in its brevity. Guys’ night starts out with the super silly including Gladiator like jousting with homemade giant Q-tips and perving at women doing aerobics in the building opposite, stuff they can’t do when Jess is home. Schmidt spilling sangria on Jess’ blanket sets in motion a different kind of guys’ night delving into matters of the heart and it is all rather lovely.
Nick admits to a list of things he can’t do; he has trouble saying “February” and he doesn’t know the alphabet unless he sings the song (me too). The big kicker is Nick has never learned how to love and his most recent long term relationship isn’t mentioned, instead they focus on his other short term flings. Schmidt thinks Nick’s problem is that he doesn’t value himself and in their boy band like descriptions Nick is the cute one; Schmidt is the smart one, Winston is the silly one and Coach is the sporty one. With a soundtrack of 80s love anthems by Foreigner and Lionel Richie the conversation shifts to Schmidt talking about how Cece is the greatest woman he has ever loved. Schmidt doesn’t think Nick aims high enough and this is why it is slightly curious that Jess is absent from this discussion.
As I wrote about last week they are doing certain things to avoid anything too heavy with Nick and Jess so there’s no jealousy or awkwardness when it comes to them hooking up with other people. Okay there is some awkwardness, but that is on the behalf of their dates and their living situation. So it makes sense in this respect to omit Jess from this conversation and yet it does feel like the elephant in the room to not even mention this relationship. There is a slightly wistful reaction from Nick when he figures out Jess hooked up with Ryan, but it is not labored nor tinged with romantic jealousy.
In the makeshift sangria tent Winston also gets to have a nice moment where he talks about his fears about becoming a cop and a hypothetical descent into becoming a bad cop. As with all things Winston pertaining to his career they don’t linger on this and there is a certain amount of drunken narcissism as Nick brings it back to the cute thing and how awesome sangria is. This is a much better version of guys’ night than the one they pretend they had when Jess and Coach get home.
The Jess/Ryan interactions involve taking a sitcom staple of forbidden love and basically making Ryan the ultimate guy for Jess; he scrapbooks, he has endless optimism and he did teach his dyslexic sister how to read. Maybe he is an angel sent down from heaven just like the movie The Preacher’s Wife. Jess does everything she can to avoid Ryan but through various circumstances they end up getting pushed closer and closer together. First their rooms are next to each other and then Coach abandons his buffer post during Lisa Bonet’s seminar. A seminar which ruins the plan Jess had laid out to Cece at the start of the episode as she finds out personal information and has to embrace the intimacy. There is a contingency plan involving a letter Jess has placed in Cece’s bag to remind her of the professional obligation and Hannah Simone kills the delivery of this letter which includes the line “You ballet-flat-wearing piece of Oregon trash.” But still Cece deserves more.
Coach has an Almost Famous “I am a golden god!” drunk moment, which turns Ryan into a (soaking wet) hero leading to bathrobes and minibar drinks. A passed out and then awake and puking Coach is a mood dampener; however Jess still has time to reveal her “big stupid crush” on Ryan resulting in a parking lot smooch the following day. Jess knows that this relationship is probably doomed as her reaction is a mixture of glee and “oh crap.” If only she had a full size blanket for comfort.
Being a teacher is Jess’ life calling and for Coach this is a job he fell into or as he puts it because “my roommate made me.” Science textbooks are for giggling over and this whole conference reinforces Coach’s belief that he is not up to the task of teaching. At first he thinks he will have little impact on their lives and his freak out moment comes after he’s told that if he screws up they “just get pregnant.” Yeah that’s a pretty big impact. We’ve seen how good Coach is with these kids and so it’s not surprising that Jess thinks Coach will be perfect for this task as he is “someone who the kids trust” and he can also yell at them about Chlamydia. Coach is a teacher without realizing it. And then he falls in the pool. But he’s still a teacher and one who has made friends at this conference which started with him calling everyone nerds; he is no longer the outsider.
New Girl Style Watch
Jess put a bird on it with this beautiful Myrtlewood fit and flare dress is available from ModCloth.
TV Ate My Wardrobe 
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