Sitcom angst doesn’t tend to last for a long time as this is a comedy after all and mooning over an ex isn’t necessarily laugh central. This is played in two different ways on New Girl and each former couple deals with being friends (and in one case living with an ex) in wildly different ways. When Nick and Jess split up at the end of last season it was relatively painless – sure there was Dirty Dancing sobbing sessions and initial sadness – and the main reason they broke up involved the structure of the show and the dynamics of the characters rather than the actual relationship itself. The push/pull between maturity and whatever version of adulthood Nick is living was also part of it and while this felt more like an attempt at justifying breakup the word mature is thrown around by Jess throughout this episode.
In “Goldmine” they finally address the exes who live together deal and while it is unlikely this would ever be the case – the only time I have ever known exes who have lived together has been in that really awkward/awful stage where one of them is waiting to move out after the breakup – they do make it work by reinforcing the notion that the weirdo assclowns might actually be them and not the people they are dating. Nick has been using the “I live with my ex” line as a way to get rid of women in the morning and it works every single time, until the one occasion where he needs it to have the desired impact. Jess has hit the three date benchmark with Ian and he seems like a decent cute guy from the brief interaction we have with him; Jess is convinced she can tell Ian about the ex living situation in a mature manner and he won’t think anything of it. And he doesn’t at first, but his follow up questions regarding how serious the relationship was sets off all the warning bells and Jess resorts to plan B.
Plan B is Nick pretending to be gay (I would have liked to see the version where Nick pretends to be a ghost) and even though he is terrible at lying (see last week’s sweatathon) he thinks he is excellent at make-believe; all he needs is a decent backstory. Gay Nick works because he doesn’t really act any different to usual and he doesn’t try to resort to stereotypes – “don’t put me in a box” – instead he’s just as magnificent and awkward with trying to sell this story. This leads to nonsensical list time and Jake Johnson listing things is always a joy to watch. Nick gets asked what kinds of guys he likes and the list starts with hunks, features ice cream men in the middle and ends with sleepy guys (or ‘drowsers’). Ian doesn’t believe Nick’s story in part because the sweating starts and then Schmidt walks in all forlorn and apologetic that he didn’t come home the night before. It is perfect timing to play along with Nick and Jess’ ruse with Nick going so far as kissing Schmidt, something Schmidt doesn’t even question. Everything was going to plan and then Tina comes in and ruins everything by smooching Nick.
Not that the lying plan was going to hold up in the long run and Ian was definitely going to find out the truth sooner rather later even if Tina hadn’t been there. Nick blaming the layers Tina was wearing as a reason he couldn’t resist hooking up is an episode highlight. Jess points out to Nick “Can we agree this is not the most mature way to handle things, even though it is pretty fun?” and this is pretty much the “stupid shit/real shit” balance that New Girl excels at. Jess thinks she can do something in an adult manner and Nick once again proves that he is right, except on this occasion his uh-oh girl is not bothered by the living setup. Nick’s description of what an “uh-oh” girl is saves him from looking like a complete pig – his previous names include “pork pals” and “C-plussy hussies” – as the “‘uh-oh’ takes it off them and back onto me, where it belongs. I made the mistake, not them. They’re great.”
One thing missing from the Nick/Jess breakup and subsequent dating pattern is there is no jealousy here whatsoever and Nick is more than up for getting Jess laid. While this also comes across as incredibly unrealistic there is nothing worse than the doldrums of a jealous ex sitcom story (see so many Ross and Rachel Friends plots) and for all the Nick/Jess shippers still out there (I still count myself in this camp even if I am enjoying this time apart) there is a hint of hope when Ian remarks that Nick would do anything for her. And yeah they are definitely the kind of weirdo assclowns that their dates complain to their friends about so it makes sense that they end up together, eventually.
If you want relationship ex angst then Schmidt is working overtime this week as he is distraught that Cece might be getting a boob reduction and the best reaction of the week comes courtesy of his super hearing powers and scream of “Nooooooo.” Schmidt’s reaction is melodramatic and ridiculous in a way that only makes sense for a character like Schmidt. His wish to say goodbye to Cece’s boobs (he still calls them Harold and Kumar) is kinda gross, but that sequence is also hilarious because it is so dumb. It is better that we don’t get to hear most of Schmidt’s goodbye monologue and Hannah Simone gives good facial expressions as she listens to Schmidt’s boob classical music playlist (Pachelbel’s Canon).
The other hookup shenanigans occurring this week involve the hot neighbors we met last season as Winston has been trying to work the long game with them. This storyline was less successful for me and Coach is just a big ball of skeeze at this point even if his strategy does get Winston laid. Thankfully they added the part where Michelle did want to sleep with Winston otherwise that would have been a big ball of rock-paper-scissor no.
New Girl Style Watch
Switching things up this week on the style front and taking a look at the dudes of New Girl with Winston’s floral CPO short sleeve button-down. Coach looks skeptical, but I love it. I could also definitely see Josh from Transparent wearing this.
TV Ate My Wardrobe 
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